That one time a limpet took up residence on my Big Toe nail was the time I came home.
Why is it such a big deal to "act your age"? One's age is merely a collection of physical years they have lived not what is it in their heart. Yet I see so many people everyday shutting the doors on their inner child.
The way I see it, no one is "too old" for anything. I'm a responsible, business owning almost-30-year old and I play on playgrounds. Skate at the skate park. Trick-or-treat at Halloween. Wear footie pajamas. Watch "Little Bear" on Sunday mornings to name a few. And you can too. It just takes letting go of what other adults will think of you. If it can put a smile on your face why not? Good wholesome fun is what all of us need, but as soon as we enter the world of adults (or before) wholesome fun gets polluted with alcohol and other such things. We don't trust ourselves to have fun anymore without these things.
This post was written in 2017 and published in 2021. I forgot about blogging all together!!
Have you told yourself how beautiful, intelligent, and capable you are today? I can say with 100% certainty you posses these qualities, everyone does. And you make them your own with your awesome unique self. Even if they aren't at the forefront of your consciousness they are in you somewhere.
What about your body? Do you love it? Think it's magnificent? Strong? Perfect just the way it is? I'm pretty sure most of us would say 'no' to many of those things. Women, men and anyone in-between, we all are affected by this manufactured notion that your body should be certain ways. Even when people change their bodies through exercise and diet there's always something to pick out to change more or better. It's a never ending cycle. When all we really need to know and feel is that our body is healthy and because of it we are able to live this present life.
I remember a few years ago, when i was going through a very emotionally challenging time, I lost a considerable amount of weight. I lost it by not eating. I had no appetite. Obviously this is a very unhealthy and potentially dangerous way to lose weight. It was so interesting the compliments that soon followed my newly smaller body. The compliments were coming from people I know and love but they had no idea how I lost the weight. No one asked. They didn't know I wasn't eating. I realized you never know how someone lost that weight or lost whatever or gained whatever. Comments around weight can be damaging, not just to the person but to every single one of us.
From age 13 to 18 I was constantly on diets. Fad diets. Atkin's. South Beach. Weight Watchers. Etc. I'll say that I was a chubby teenager, but not unhealthy. I was active and hardly ever sick. There was no good reason for me to be on diets, but I was nonetheless. While doing these diets I did lose weight, but I never learned how to listen to my body. What I learned was how to feel bad for eating certain foods. I never did another diet after the age of 18. However, since then I've still been concerned with eating what's "right". And feeling bad about times when I eat what's "wrong". What I deemed to be "right" and "wrong" foods still never got me any closer to truly noticing how they make my body feel. We all know that certain amounts of fat, salt, and sugar are healthy to eat, but how deep can you take that knowing and make it something you feel?
Recently I've had an amazing food epiphany. If I listen to what my body wants for food at most given times it will tell me the truth of what we (my body and I) need. I'm eating in a way I have never eaten before. If my body says we want half and half, yogurt, 2 eggs, and a piece of toast for breakfast we do that. If it says we just want tea with cream in it we do that. If body says we're hungry at 1am we eat something. If body says we need pasta for dinner we do that. The most important thing with this new way of eating is never ever feeling bad or guilty for eating/drinking anything. Knowing that I am listening to my body and everything I'm giving it is making me stronger and healthier. This is amazing, I am literally drinking (sometimes just) half and half every morning and I feel great. You'd think with all of this fat consumption and various wheat consumption that my body would be quickly changing. My body is not changing externally and I feel great internally. This whole thing has taught me the power of our minds and more specifically the way we feel and perceive of the things we put in our bodies for nourishment. I guarantee you if I felt bad or guilty for drinking half and half every morning that my body would respond accordingly. The only thing I must say about this way of eating and the kind of food I'm ingesting is that it's for the most part quality food. Raw milk. Yogurt that I make. Strauss Half and Half. More or less whole foods. Barely any meat. Eggs from a farm down the road. Chips here and there. Pasta here and there. Don't forget the hot toddy :) This is specific to me. This is also probably specific to the season we're in too, in Summer the food I eat will most likely be different. Your perfect food list could be completely different. I hope this has been good information to some of y'all reading this.
Take away message: Its all about your mind and perception of the calories you ingest to have a beautiful healthy functioning body.
Happy Winter.
Sprout Out!
Oddly enough after I made this blog post I came upon this very pertinent TED Talk. I'm not one for TED talks, but this one really gets it in a scientific way.
When events happen in life one can let them define, destroy, or strengthen the spirit. This was paraphrased from someone out there and I felt it necessary to begin this entry with it.
We humans go through life reacting to events, both internally and externally. Most often the experiences we've had in life will affect the specific reaction to other events that are temporally removed from the initial experiences, though one is perhaps not able to removed emotionally and spiritually. This is where humans experience internal challenges and spiritual hardships. The idea of "good" and "bad" then pops up in my mind. Once something is defined as "good" other experiences that are not "good" must in turn be "bad" and vice versa. This sets up a whole system for viewing everything that happens in the world. I realize this is a very dualistic way of speaking, but is often how our brains are able to make sense of the world whether our mind has room for "grey" areas or not. It's interesting to observe physiological reactions when something "bad" happens and when something "good" happens. At some point it becomes clear that our physiological reaction (i.e. a racing heart and sweating) is what dictates the way we perceive the world. Physiology can be changed with great great effort, but it can be changed none the less. In the same vein of "rewiring" our neural pathways. This can be done forever because there are infinite paths to "remove rocks" from. That is, if one is willing and able to undergo immense effort where discomfort is completely inevitable. Often, that is hard to get on board with. I'm not trying to preach or change anyone at all by writing this. I'm more just trying to flesh out what is within me. Maybe it will spark conversation or other ideas thoughts?
"A blowing away of slow flying dandilions" this beautiful imagery was written by a special person who flows poems. This line makes me think of the history of our present which immediately becomes our past which will define our future if we let it be so. Our history is ethereally floating around us all the time. Not able to be seen it is hard to realize it is there. If the ability for literal vision is present it can be hard to recognize everything we define ourselves by. However, its important (for me at least) to give myself and others the space to change at any moment. Every time I see a familiar person I try to remember that they are new. This person is new with every minute. To hold onto what I know of them is very alluring and comforting, but it's not the truth. The truth is that they are completely new. This is an easy concept to understand in all rationality and theory, but putting it to practice can be very challenging and at times unwanted. Dandilions, planktonic in the sea of air currents, follow where ever the wind takes them. Even through fire.....
Here I am for the fourth time saying "au revoir"
to Lopez. It's interesting to think that I am seeing kids summer after summer
and each time they are more grown. It's so amazing. I remember when some of
them were so small they could barley put sentences together and now they're
allowed to play with friends without adult supervision. I never thought about
how it was to watch a younger person
grow drastically. I've definitely never had the experience before. Also along
the same length, people here have gotten to see me during some good years of
development from early 20's to late 20's. I wonder what it's like for them. I
guess that outside perspective on another human's life is astoundingly
precious.
I met some really amazing people this summer while deepening
already existing relationships. It's now my mission to get everyone I love to
move to Arcata. Here's the icing on the cake: if a friend from elsewhere moves
to Arcata there's no chance of a lonely/making friends part of the experience,
because Jess and I already have a set of the most solid friends around.
Insta-friends!!! Pretty alluring, I know. Dial 1-800-PLANK to learn more. Tell
the receptionist Vernis sent you!
Has anyone ever looked into their Enneagram. It's a very
accurate way of finding your personality
type. If you couple it with Meyer's-Briggs you can really do some important
introspection. I have found that I am a Type 9 with an 8 wing. In general, what
the Enneagram people call "The Peacekeeper." What are you? Go to the
Enneagram Institute's website to take the exam.
Motivation is challenging. It's an ebb and flow. Sometimes
you just spring up ready to go and other times its a struggle to brush your
hair or teeth. Today, I felt the rush of motivation to get my home on a trailer
further on its path to livability. I'm so happy that something which seemed so
far off, near impossible, is finally about to happen. The exterior will soon be
finished (minus the paintings and artwork I plan on doing) and I will get to
move my journey to finishing the interior, wiring, plumbing to a degree, and
making a homey and comfortable space to share with others. At night, I try to
envision the warm glow of my home and how that will feel in my body and
emotions.
It's amazing how I can always feel so cold (temperature-wise)
and others so warm. On a normal day, when I'm wearing a wool shirt, a beanie,
carharrts, and high socks someone sitting right next to me will be wearing
shorts, a t-shirt, and sandals. I thought people evolved to be small as a means
of conserving heat and staying warm like the nomadic peoples in Siberia. That
part of my gene structure must be defective to some degree. Maybe turning back
to eating within my Ayurvedic means will help ignite my fire.
This summer has given way to some of the best brainstorms
and ideas I've ever had. Hopefully this year I will bring a few of them to
fruition. Here are the general topics they pertain to: helping others,
transportation, tradeswomen, chainsaws, food, clothing/reclamation, driftwood,
ska.
Do you keep an idea book?
Peektures:
Mom came to visit and we went to the San Juan County Fair
It's so hard to choose to stay inside and write a blog post on a sunny day, which is why I am writing to Internet-land on a relatively chilly, sunny-ish morning.
So as a recap to leading up to Lopez: Most of my time in the beginning of 2015 was spent helping my friend build a small strawbale home, doing Jiu Jitsu, weight training, plastering here and there, making new friends, and hosting my parents. 2015 has been great!
One day in early 2015 I suggested to Jess that she come with me to Lopez this summer. She could work at the local bike shoppe and I could work doing tree work and building up to being an arborist. So that became the goal for the summer. It turned out that Jess got the job at the bike shoppe here on Lopez (VillageCycles) and I got the tree work job with a guy named Zack (Flower Mtn. Tree Services). So now we've been here for about 1 month and a half and all is WELL. We brought Tasha Kitty with us. Its been a wonderful cat-cation for her.
Jess and I have been biking, going to beaches, potlucking, reading, and doing sudoku.We've also been working on the house on a trailer and I've been replacing a rotted out floor in a cabin on the property we live on.
Our kitchen
It's been great being here with Jess. Very different! I'm usually all alone here and more or less lonely. It's fine. It's never ruined my time here, but I prefer to be around people and good friends. I feel like growing up as an only child I had so much alone time and I'm really fine with hanging out with myself, but I get my energy from being around others, laughing, bouncing ideas, pondering, I'm an ENTP (Extrovert-Intuitive-Thinking-Perceiving-->Meyer's Briggs Personality Type) through and through.
Here is the rest of the experience expressed in photos:
Salmon Berries
Our Front "yard"
Copyright 2015
Copyright 2015
This moment, right now.
We found a friend named Pheobe, this is a lake by the place we live.
This was on my last week on Lopez. The whole late Summer crew getting together to watch an old school 90's classic- Dumb and Dumber!! Which some youngins in the group had never seen. I love the moments when you realize you're getting older. It's so interesting! I love sharing different experiences of growing with a myriad of friends.
In my last bit of time on Lopez I decided I would try my hand at designing and building my own Sprout Home on a Trailer. I stopped working with LCLT for my last 2 weeks and worked everyday on my project. It's challenging to manage your own time in that way; with a very challenging self-directed task. At the end of 2 weeks I completed the framing of my structure and with another 2 weeks she should be done. That will be for 2015. Doing this project alone has reiterated once more how much I enjoy working with other people and having there be at least one other brain in on things and able to help with problem solving. My initial plan was just going to be a "box on wheels" because I was trying to do it in 2 weeks, BUT I'm totally against building a box on wheels, that's the whole point or "tiny homes" -for me at least- is to be artistic weird, and creative. So half way through my process I changed most of the design, and am so happy I did! (even though I didn't finish it).
The size is 7'x12'. During this 2 weeks of building I was able to start and finish a book (in 4 days!!). The book: Fledgling by Octavia Butler (a black female sci-fi writer- she's incredible)
Framing a triangle inside of a trapezoid is very challenging
And since it's been such a long time (August) since I posted last I'm just going to do a brief run down of the months since though I'm sure important things/people have come in and out of my life.
October- Visited Mom and helped her move in to her new spot in NE Oregon. I realized how mush help other people need- especially our elders. I was happy to do all of the little things my mom wanted me to do; not because she couldn't but because its much easier for a young body to do some things like installing blinds or staining the deck. Anyways, this made me realize that there are tons of people out there who need help and I want to help them. I've been trying to do this thing called "free help". It's exactly what it sounds like: need a hole dug, deck stained, childcare, a sink full of dishes done, etc. I'm interested in doing things for others that will make life easier and less stressful. I've tried to set up a few "free helps" but when money isn't involved I think its hard for people to commit, because almost every time I've planned something with someone it falls through at the last minute. Though I was successful in building a cat staircase for a friend who had an old kitty who needed to get down from a high up window with tenderness. That was great! People plus cats = happy Me.
November-Started Jiu Jitsu back up. I was offered a work/trade situation to assistant teach the BJJ kids class in exchange for my membership dues. This was really nice. I love wrestling with lil ones! The moves really work...even when kids are pulling them on adults. Had a wonderful Turkey Day with my mom and my Humboldt family at Moonstone Beach. So. Much. Good. Food. mygod. I was a squirrel puppet in a Comix Trip show. Had a blast when Celina and her friend Jim came down from OR.
December- Met a person who I took a class with 5 years ago in a parking lot in Eureka, KC. Read a life changing book in 3 days: Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani. Had a great time celebrating Jess's 10 days of 30 years old birthdays celebration and her wonderful party on the 10th day (13th). Contemplation of Massage Therapy Certification and/or Yoga Teacher Certification, living at a meditation center for an extended period of time. I feel like this year is my year to find a practice that grows me both personally and spiritually. I drove to Sacramento 2 weeks ago to catch a flight out of SMF. I got to hang with my Dad at his new house for a few days. It was nice to see him. It's interesting: within the last 6 months both of my parents have separately moved out of my childhood homes. I don't feel like I had a super huge connection to either so it hasn't made a huge impact on me. Just funny how they both did it at the same time. While in Sac I met up with a person I haven't seen in 4 years. It's great to catch up with past people. Then I flew out of SMF to Seattle where my good buddy Waggy picked me up and drove me all the way to Anacortes, WA for me to catch the ferry. I love how our car ride was as good as or better than catching up over dinner at a restaurant or something. He's so sweet. Then I went to Lopez to attend my 3rd Winter Solstice Ritual Celebration. This was an amazing one. Some super magical things happened. And all of the Lopez kiddies are growing up! So fast! Spent some good time with Table, Pamela, Suzanne, Janie, Deena, Callie, Ryan, Sandy, Rhea, Ralph, Libby, Alaya, Nitsan, Amanda, and some new faces too! On the day I was flying out of SEA, Janie and I had an amazing adventure getting thru traffick, thru the city and to the airport. But we made it to our separate flights with minutes to spare.
Now its now. I've been trying to focus on having physically unproductive days in exchange for internally productive days. This is a challenging because I usually gauge the merit of my day based on how physically productive I have been. I don't want to rely solely on physical cultivation. For a balanced and growing person both internal and external production must be accepted and practiced. For me, practicing internal production is me getting up, walking to the cafe down the street, listening to me favorite meditation speaker (Tara Brach) whilst taking notes, and drinking 1 cup of coffee all day (until 5), walking home, followed by more thinking! This has been a good practice and I plan on keeping it up. I've started doing yoga consistently as well. Oh yeah and I'm moving in with Jess (one of my BFFs) for round 2 after a 3.5 year hiatus...hah!
Kitty!
Plaster
Need I say more?
The walk to a cafe in the neigborhood
Ritual
Coffee before dunes
One of the most beautiful days in a long time
Violet!!
Candid shot! Jess got me..
And I shall end my post like usual with and audio visual sensory experience:
